People are social creatures. Profound, honest connections with others make us happier and less stressed. But it’s the quality, not the quantity, that counts. So, how to master the art of creating and maintaining healthy relationships?
This post is part of the series about making an annual review of the most important areas in your life. Before you read it, have a look at the introductory post I published here.
In the previous posts, I did an annual review of Career, Personal Finances, Physical Health, Mental Health and Emotions.
Profound relationships and real connections with other people—isn’t it something we all need? Last year put many relationships to the test but made us appreciate the good ones even more.
Making a review of your relationships may sound crazy because we obviously can’t control other people’s actions.
We can control our attitude and reactions, though—and if we do it well, we will attract better people.
So, let’s start!
Enjoy what you have right now.
A few years ago, I had a conversation with my long-time friends. I was single then, they were happily married with two kids.
During this conversation, I told them something like this: “well, at least you have a family. You have this part of life all sorted out. Thus, you have less uncertainty.”
They replied: “It doesn’t work that way. Now, when we have a family, and we feel responsible for our kids, the uncertainty got even bigger.”
Their words got me thinking. Sometimes we assume that others have it all figured out, but the reality is different.
Every situation, every stage in life has its advantages. Enjoy them instead of focusing on what you lack.
Improve your relationship with yourself.
The relationship you have with yourself is the single most important relationship you’ve ever had and will have.
Literally, everything starts with you. Your beliefs about yourself have a tremendous influence on how you shape your relationships. The way you treat yourself affects the way you let yourself be treated by others.
Our relationship with ourselves has a lot to do with self-confidence (or the lack of it). If you believe that even though you’re not perfect, you have the right to be treated fairly, to be loved and appreciated, then you let go of the toxic people around you, and you ignore their hurtful remarks.
Recognize good and toxic relationships in your life.
I’ve already raised this topic in the article about taking care of your mental health and emotions.
Some people love and appreciate us, and some other people drain our energy. What you need to do is distinguish one group from the other.
Nourish people who support you, who treat you well, who are honest and trustworthy. Talk to them often, maintain contact, be kind, and offer them favors.
At the same time, let go of toxic people in your life. The process feels like wearing braces: it’s painful (and you may also need a specialist to help you go through this), but worth the effort, and once you’re done, you never look back.
Say what you want.
Every good relationship, romantic or not, is based on good communication.
Learn to say what you want. If you’d love to go for a trip together or see a movie, have more space, or spend more time together, etc. – say it. If you don’t want to go to that party and instead read a book, just say it. If you want to change something in a relationship, say it. It’s that simple.
No one can read your mind, and even a great, empathetic partner, or a long-term friend, doesn’t always know what you prefer to do or what you want from life. But if you tell them, they’ll know it for sure, and they will probably be more than happy to help you achieve your goals and make you feel good in their company.
Many romantic relationships would be much better if people just said what they want, instead of playing games and trying to guess what others may think.
Learn to communicate your feelings.
This is another vital communication skill.
If your partner, your friend, or someone in your family says something that hurts your feelings, don’t be afraid to communicate it. Many people don’t even realize that their remarks hurt. Still, if you make it clear, then they will probably avoid them in the future (unless they’re toxic people).
And if they say or do something that made you feel special or happy, appreciate it. Tell them that they made you smile, that they made your day. Wouldn’t you want to hear such words from time to time?
Communicating your feelings isn’t the same as inconsiderate talking. You don’t need to babble all the time—just don’t leave essential things unspoken.
I don’t talk about my feelings often, but when I’m happy, sad, or angry, it immediately shows, and I have no problem saying it out loud.
Just. Don’t. Lie.
Because what’s the point?
Being a liar is so much harder than talking to someone straight into their face. You may get all tangled up in your lies, and you need to remember them all.
Being honest has one drawback: you usually lose contact with some people because they feel offended. But if these people don’t appreciate honesty, then do you like to have them in your life, anyway?
Listen.
When you have a conversation, do you listen or just wait for your turn to speak?
Listening is an art. It should be mastered. It requires some patience—but it’s worth it.
I think I’m a good listener (well, many people have already told me that), and I’m not patient by nature, so if I could do it, you can do it, too.
Listening to what others have to say has many advantages. You see different points of view on a specific topic. You learn how people may react to different situations. You get to know others’ backgrounds and opinions.
Don’t judge others.
People have different backgrounds, experiences, and ways of dealing with life issues. It’s not your role to judge them for their choices because you don’t know what they’ve been through. Besides, if someone makes a mistake, they probably know that already, so criticizing won’t help.
Only narrow-minded people take joy in criticizing others. People who have already accomplished something usually don’t judge because: a) they have their life to take care of, so they don’t think about others’ choices that much; and b) they know that only those who don’t act, don’t make mistakes.
Instead of judging others, look at your own behavior.
Manage your expectations.
Don’t expect people to behave like you want them to or to be always available. Don’t expect them to guide you in life and answer your questions about anything. Don’t expect them to cheer you up every time you need it.
Why? Because:
First, taking responsibility for your life and your choices is necessary if you want to call yourself a mature person.
Second, people are more willing to help you and be around you if they don’t feel the pressure to do something.
Third, sometimes they have their own issues to solve, and others’ expectations become an additional burden.
Don’t overwhelm others with your problems and opinions.
Don’t call people or meet with them just to talk about you. Don’t overpower every conversation with your private opinions or your problems.
I get it; you need to vent sometimes. You had a terrible day, work problems, you can’t get along with your partner, etc. There’s nothing wrong with talking with your family or friends about it and asking for advice.
But don’t let every conversation focus on you, especially if no one asks about your opinions or private matters. It’s not polite, and no one has an obligation to hear you out.
Be a safe haven.
I don’t know when and where, but once I read that you should be a safe haven to your partner in a romantic relationship. As a passionate sailor, I immediately loved this comparison, and I knew what it meant. I know the feeling when I come back to a port after a few hours (or a few days) spent at sea, sometimes rough sea. It’s the feeling of calm and relief.
To me, being a safe haven to my partner is a definition of a good relationship. It means that your partner can openly talk to you about anything; they feel appreciated and don’t need to pretend they’re someone else. Of course, if you’re lucky, you’ll find a partner who is a safe haven for you.
I know that a long-term relationship isn’t only about the pleasant, carefree moments. But I believe relationships shouldn’t be complicated or challenging. They shouldn’t be a constant battle.
…
And one more thing: all relationships are two-sided.
Even if you do everything right, there’s no guarantee that the other person will love or appreciate you. But if you don’t try, you’ll never get a chance to know if they will.
That’s the trick. That’s the beauty of relationships.
Leave a Reply
Want to join the discussion?Feel free to contribute!